My friend is a great dad.
He
loves his kids and is careful to give them the attention, affection, and
respect they deserve.
It
isn’t always easy for him but he is patient (an
acquired/acquiring skill for many of us) and is willing to adjust
as needed.
When
asked how he learned to be such a good dad he was reluctant to answer. Not because he didn’t want to share – he is
convinced the principles he follows work – he simply didn’t want to offend anyone who
might have chosen another way.
With
some cajoling he eventually divulged the genesis of his inspiration (weird way of saying I convinced
him to tell me even though he didn’t want to).
Seems
his dad was one of THOSE dads. You know. The kind who, when asked ‘why?’ by their kids
replied, BECAUSE I SAID SO!!
My
friend never liked the results of the answer so he determined to follow another
path in dealing with his own kids. But it
took some pondering and a lot of trial and error before he discovered his
secret method.
I’m
going to share it with you.
So it won’t
be secret anymore.
Well, at least not
from the 7 people who read this blog.
It
all starts with a simple declaration.
1.
I will always love you.
No
matter what you do, no matter how old you get and despite any efforts to the contrary
you may decide to make in your life, I WILL love you.
When
children are young, it is easier to convince them. They have nothing to compare with so they
believe. But as they grow and become
aware of the rest of the universe, it is critical that they are constantly
reminded that they are loved – completely and deeply – by their parents.
Love
is the great binding agent for families.
Next!
2. Because I love you, I want you to be happy.
Few
people become parents in order to torture their offspring (I know some teens think otherwise but statistics can be made up
to prove otherwise). The
vast majority of parents have the innate desire to love their children. Reinforcing that principle with the ‘young-uns’
in the house will provide great dividends in helping them be more receptive to
direction – tell them that you love them.
A
little knowledge really helps.
3.
In order to be happy, we must
know the decisions/choices that will bring happiness.
A
public survey conducted by random children found that eleven out of ten parents
spend their days plotting to make decisions designed to impose misery on their children
(see my note on statistics above).
Mom
and dad ‘afflict’ their children’s lives to teach them the choices that will
invite pleasant results. Training young
children to stay out of the street is not to protect cars or reduce insurance
costs – it is to save a beloved son or daughter from a life-threatening
badchoice (new word I just made up).
Again,
as young people grow in ability and age they are inclined to think ‘teachings’ are
restrictions to make them miserable. They
fail to recognize that the greater number of rules and guidelines are intended
to eliminate misery and increase happiness.
When mom and dad explain the purpose for rules/guidelines, it doesn’t
eliminate contention but it does build on a level of trust which leads to
greater love.
4.
To make good choices, you
have to know the result each choice brings.
This
is also called “The Law of Consequences.”
The job of a parent is to open the eyes of their children to the full
impact of choices that will confront them.
My friend is careful to explain
the complete package when his children are considering different options – the good
and the bad. Then they aren’t surprised (at least not as much) when
less than desirable events occur.
Unfortunately,
teaching, training, coaching, or whatever you want to call it is only permanent
if there is a transition from the brain to the heart. It is one thing to know something, and a
totally different thing to KNOW it.
No
matter how well prepared parents are, there will always be circumstances that
require special attention. Decisions have
to be made that are not appreciated or completely understood. That is when step 5 can be implemented.
5.
Sometimes you just have to
trust me. Remember, I love you and will
never do anything to cause you pain or misery.
I
know, this sounds a lot like “Because I said so.”
It
isn’t!!
Trust
is an integral part of love.
“I
said so” is often selfish and devoid of love.
Little has been built to hold it up.
Trust has a framework that allows for difficult experiences.
I
have considered these steps and found that I believe there is truth in them.
Let
me add one personal addendum to the list.
When
a situation gets hard and I am ready to give up, I am often halted by a phrase
that pops into my mind. It always puts
me back on the track. I know the source
and I recognize the voice. It says:
Is
that how I treat you?
And
the answer is always NO.
Love first, and always.
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